From the Bottom

After gazing at Lake Malawi from hundreds of feet above it, Carissa convinced me that the next logical step would be to experience it from the bottom. It took quite a lot of prodding to get me signed up for a scuba diving course, but not only does Malawi have the nearly superlative distinction of being the second cheapest place to dive in the world, the upcoming course ended on the same day that the best health insurance I’ve ever had was due to expire. I mean, who knows when the next time I’ll be covered for lung overexpansion injury is? The fact that one of the instructors also happens to be the best baker in the world sealed the deal (this country just turns me into a cake monster like no other place on earth).

From the first morning of class, I was definitely the special kid in scuba class. I was uncoordinated at snorkeling, but adding a wet suit, oxygen tank and weights to my tendency to flail in water did not help the situation. The first time we dove from shore, I was so heavily weighted that I was basically crawling along the bottom of the lake. Despite the fact that I was hands and knees in fish crap, breathing underwater is perhaps the coolest sensation I’ve ever experienced. Lake Malawi has some really beautiful fish, including one type in which the mothers scoop their babies in their mouths when you swim near, and another species that feeds on the plant life growing on the underside of rocks, and thus spend their entire lives upside down. My instructor thinks it’s really fun to go through rock tunnels. I was not nearly stealthy enough to navigate them without crashing, but although we communicate under water with hand signals, there is no sign for, “if it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll just go around.”

The second half of the course involved diving from the boat. Unfortunately, as it turns out, I get sea sickness, including but not limited to sitting in moving boats, sitting in anchored boats, looking at a bobbing boat from shore, and especially smelling engine exhaust. This last one is particularly unfortunate because the smallest people have to sit closest to the engine to balance the weight. The first boat dive, I willed my digestive tract to work with gravity until I got to the surface where I emptied my breakfast into the lake. One of my classmates got to practice our recently learned “rescue skills” by inflating my life jacket and dragging me to the boat.

The instructor insisted that the route we took was particularly rough, and convinced me to give it another go in the afternoon. She prescribed ginger biscuits and watered down coke as a stomach cure-all. She insisted that if I need to, I should just vomit underwater into my breathing regulator, the thought of which struck me as unnecessarily unpleasant. When the opportunity to see presented itself, I ditched the group, headed for the surface and swam to shore. In the company of a family of tumor encrusted ducks I proceeded to spew the ginger and coke cocktail. A Rastafarian woodcarver wandered to the shore to keep me company. We had the following conversation:
Rastafarian: Are you diving?
Me: No, I’m vomiting.
Rastafarian: Diving is cool.
Me: [vomit]
Rastafarian: Diving is sooo nice.
Me: [vomit]
Rastafarian: Good luck on your exam.

Carissa tried to convince me that I have some sort of parasite, rather than really comprehensive seasickness. One of our classmates, an enormous, androgynous looking, Finnish music therapist who plays heavy metal gigs with his schizophrenic clients, was down with some sort of bug. And we did share breathing mouthpieces during safety drills before he dropped out of the class to puke in private. I rejected this piece of logic though and informed Carissa of my B-list superpower of vomiting in response to dislike. Therefore, vomiting is caused by my hatred for self contained underwater breathing apparatus, and not the funky lake water I may have been drinking or eating in the restaurant where the cooks don’t wash their hands.

I didn’t attempt the last couple dives, because all I wanted to do was lie in the fetal position clutching a vile of Dramamine, not contort myself into a wetsuit, let alone get in a moving vehicle. So I didn’t end up getting certified. But I did pass the exam, perhaps courtesy of my Rasta friend’s well wishes. And maybe, I’ll finish my certification some other time, in some other country.